abandoned again

it's full again

i can hear young ones rattling doors, yanking handles, banging on windows
clambering to get in and screaming to get out
but i don't have time

i don't have time to develop or grow little minds
to their full potential
to their maximum height
under developed and malnourished

instead they sit and they rot, they scream and they cry
leftover tears wrinkling soft skin
overripe and ugly
until i can't stand it anymore
and i toss them out
back into the street, back into a forgotten stream of consciousness
never to see or hear from them again

i should probably feel guilty for being so cruel
i should probably repent for being inhumane
i should be ashamed

But I don't have time.

Famous

sometimes i wish i could be recognized
sometimes i wish i could be famous
But then i am reminded
I do what I do
just to make what is
painful a bit more
painless

As Water Falls

oh to pour out my soul as water falls from the mountain
as rain from the sky, restless and free, drunk deeply
refreshing to the taste and restoring the body

but i am a tepid drop in a thirsty jar, cork sealed tight, top rusted shut
a warm puddle on the pavement, confined to the dirty sidewalk where passersby kick and splash and separate me from myself

so i am silent

Fishhooks

It was reflex, automatic; like a nagging bad habit

Squeaky-squeak, the wires creak
Bending and twisting my face on command
A quick flash of teeth, then it's over and I'm gone
Quick and painless; smile and move on
Make a little laugh, sprinkle a giggle or two
It'll increase the realism by half

Now the wires aren't real; they're made of metal and steel
But the smiles it creates are enough to make you settle
For generic answers to any questions asked
I'm not trying to ace a test, I'm just looking to pass a friendly interrogation
Without revealing sensitive or harmful information

I decided some time in the past that I'd rather swim with sharks
Or swallow shards of glass than reopen a wound so vast and so deep
That losing sleep is the least of my worries
My stretched lips are constantly sore
And I try so hard to ignore the cold metal bars chaffing the insides of my mouth
I tell myself I don't feel them anymore

You ask me how I'm doing and I'm doing just great
The wires do their job and I have a smile on my face
In passing it works like a charm
But when someone stops and really wants to talk
That's the greatest threat of harm
And I fight the urge to walk away

But as long as the mess of steel on my face can momentarily erase 

Any trace of the storm that's raging within 

These wires will always have a place beneath my skin

To reopen that wound is a sin that I could never forgive

So to prevent things from going south,
I'll continue to smile
Like I've got fishhooks in the corners of my mouth
Just to tell you everything is okay
Trust me, it's better that way

"Hey, how ya doin?"

"I'm doing just swell!"

I continue bend the steel on my face
So you'll never tell how dead I really am inside

But I'll be smiling again tomorrow as always

Whether I mean it or not, whether it's genuine or just for show
You'll probably never know

High-speed

I'm not hiding,
I'm just hidden

It's covered but exposed, surrounded, enclosed
I'm standing alone in a place where no one goes, a place not many of you know
Another world within the light and the images that pass before your eyes in any given minute
But I'll try to show you where it's hidden

It's someplace I like to collect all the things I missed, placed carefully in a box, wrapped neatly like birthday gifts, peeking inside to remember what it is to open my eyes and truly see
There are presents in here for you and for me but we gotta find and open them before it's too late
No expiration date but nothing lasts forever

In the craziness of life, through hustle and bustle and sometimes strife, always moving, always going but never really knowing what we're doing or why
It's easy to skip over the little things, microorganisms unseen by the naked eye upon first and second glances
But don't miss the chances they give you to experience, to breathe in and breathe out, to know without a doubt what it means to be alive

You could call it my happy place but to me it's just empty space where I can create and commemorate that which makes the biggest impression
Invisible expression, concrete blocks for my imaginary box of secrets, physical statues made of rocks that don't exist
This is where I close my eyes and I am gently kissed by all the beauty and awe that you missed
It's like the real world with a twist

You're more than welcome to join me in my safe place that holds no trace of anything face-paced
But be warned: you see it everyday but it's hard to find
It may not be what you had in mind

So come find me in the space between the lines, find me in the chorus between the notes, in the grace between the raindrops, in the pause within your pulse, in the silence between heartbeats

No rules or laws or appointments or calls
Not here, there, or anywhere
Just moments
Breaths
Heartbeats

It's hard to explain when you're going insane from the serene sound of hundredths of seconds whizzing through your brain like a high-speed camera speeding through endless frames of beauty and color

But you'll understand once you see it
I promise
And then you'll wonder how you never knew it was there before, here, there, everywhere
Right in front of your eyes

So now that you know where I'll be, come and find me
You'll see

Unchained

I shy away from poems because I know I'm not a poet
Rhyming is not my strength and I already know it
But I'll give it a shot
I mean, sure why not?

So I'm standing in this empty room, shouting at the top of my voice
But it's all good
This profession is a result of my choice
An audience isn't something I absolutely require
This ship is sailing on the winds of my own desire
And it's sailing fast
Over seas of glass and storms so vast
I don't even know where we're going
But we're going

I don't need a class or a book to show me where to look
Inspiration is everywhere, you can feel it in the air
Stars in the sky, leaves on the ground
As long as the earth spins 'round and 'round
And I have a place to jot it all down I'll be right here
Pecking away on this dirty keyboard where all my hopes and dreams are stored
But it's okay, I like kinda it that way

I don't need hits on a page, I'm not looking for fame
I don't care if the world knows my name
Or if I'm forgotten
And thrown away for like a tomato so rotten
I'm just one guy fighting fears, occasionally shedding a few tears
Trying to make a dent on this rock we call Earth
A bunch of followers doesn't add credibility or worth

I'll keep telling myself until I believe it's true
The truth is I don't need you
Empty stage or full house
Booming voice or squeak of a mouse
I'll say what I think and write what I feel
I'm the captain of this dingy and I alone hold the wheel
I'm just a pile of walking experiences and expectations
And even though I have no clear destination
I'm gonna keep walking until I find something new
And I promise you I'll get there with or without you

I'll write my own song, I'll dance to my own beat
I don't need your approval to walk on my own two feet
I'll tell my own story
No flashing lights or golden glory
Whether you're here or not I'm gonna write
From the darkness of night until I can see the light

This rant is really long
But we're coming to the end of the song
So I'll finish in stride
You can join me and come along for the ride
Or you can stand there and watch me fly
That's your choice--I've already made mine
I'm gonna do my thing 'til the sun refuses to shine

Malfunction

They collectively hesitated, unsure of where to land.

I double-checked again, wiggling my fingers, opening and closing my hand, extending my fingers as far as they would go. The circuits were intact, the wires were clean, the joints squeaked and did as they were told. My fingers weren't broken; my hands work just fine.

Maybe my programming is a bit out of whack. Maybe a good restart and reboot will put me back on track. Maybe I simply missed a switch or there was a button I forgot to press. 

My mind beeps and boops but nothing comes out, only incoherent garbling and nonsense. The wheels in my head continue to turn, whirring in their little circles, the motor hums like it always does, and the little lights still flash rhythmically. Information continues to stream in but nothing comes out. My hard drive is slowing, crashing, backlogged. I'm behind schedule. I'm off beat. I'm out of place.

I panicked.

I was useless if I couldn't do my job. I was useless if I couldn't do the very task I was built to do. What would they say about the one who forgot how to write in a day? A malfunction? An anomaly in the batch? A defect destined for the trash?

I stare at the page. No words appear. No ideas, no creativity; nothing is clear. Maybe I'm just in a trance; maybe my fingers momentarily forgot how to dance.

But my mind is fine, my fingers are okay. The page is blank because I don't know what to say.

The tears began to roll down my metal frame but I didn't stop them this time. The rust will settle on my skin soon enough. I'll soon be a heap of scrapmetal in a landfill or a dump.

I went home broken because I knew I was broken.