How to Do Mostly Nothing for Twenty Years

"Comfortable misery." Oxymoron right? How is it possible to be comfortable (something most people want and strive for) yet miserable or uncomfortable (something most people try to avoid) at the same time?

"It is like old, comfortable shoes. They are not attractive, but you keep wearing them out of habit. If you bought new ones, you would have to break them in. What if they pinched? What if they hurt? What if you didn’t like them? Better to just stay with what you have. Why take a chance?"

Think about it. How many times have I been okay and familiar with surroundings or circumstances or people or habits but wasn't nearly happy about it or simply hated it? Worst part - because I was 'comfortable' with it, I was in no hurry to take the necessary steps to change something.

Why do I do this? Why do I insist on being comfortably miserable? Why am I okay with being unhappy in my own little bubble when I can enjoy life if I just step outside its walls? Why am I okay to surrender to my fears and doubts? Why do I choose to live in this cage? Why do you?

Misery loves company, yes? Who wants to be unhappy by themselves? It's much easier to be unhappy with other people who feel the same or circumstances that never change. I can be miserable and unhappy right where I am and hold on to these certain things that make me unhappy because I know they're not going anywhere anytime soon.. because I'm not about to do anything to change it. If I had to write a book about my life up to this point, my autobiography would be titled something like "How to Do Mostly Nothing for Twenty Years." A fairly accurate title unfortunately. What would the title of your autobiography be?

The few times I have been willing to burst my own bubble and step out of my comfort zone has been so worth it, every single time. I took a huge step out of my comfort-zone this summer and absolutely loved it. This fear of change, of something different and unknown (especially for us reserved, less-adventures types) holds us back and ties us down. Unhappy enough to want change, but not enough discomfort to do anything about it. That's a terrible way to live really. Yet I do it. Many of us do.

I'm not here to solve problems or deliver answers. Those don't come to me right away. Sometimes simply raising the question is enough. "Why do I do what I do?" I've put a bit of thought into these here questions. I hope you do too.

QOTD #2

"You are the only one who can use your gifts. That is a huge responsibility."

Think about it.

Ashton Kutcher's Speech at TCA

Speaks for itself. Listen and learn.

Quote of the Day - August 13th

"Being angry is easy. It's easy to find fodder to make you angrier; it's easy to find things that will help fuel your rage. Being sad is also easy because people won't necessarily go out of their way to cheer you up. Being happy is f***ing difficult." - Max Scoville

My Dream

I want to make art. I want to write. I want to write something beautiful, something powerful, something epic.

I want to create a world that no one has ever seen before; I want to send on you a journey you'll never forget. I want to stretch your imagination, make your mind soar and let your eyes really see.

I want to write something that sticks with you, that makes you think, that causes you to change the way you see and feel. I want you to ponder and wonder and work out your thoughts. I want you to really sit down and think.

I want to make a person, create a character that you can believe in, that you can identify with, that you can root for, that you can know and love. I want to put you in his shoes, to follow in his steps, to ride the emotional rollercoaster with him. I want to make you laugh and cry, make you love and hate. I want you to rejoice in his victories and mourn his losses. I want you to wish this character was real. 

When you finish reading, I want you feel like you've been gone for ages; I want coming back to reality to be a difficult task. Whenever your eyes read these words, I want you to travel through time and space, across oceans and through galaxies, to alternate universes and places that have to be invented or discovered.

I want you to feel. I want you to understand. I want you to experience. I want you to know. That's all I want.

Before you dive in, before you enter the gates, before you turn the first page, I have to write it. I have to build, I have to try to construct and erect this masterpiece. I have to create this world, these experiences, these people for you to interact with, to explore, to bond. It has to be spotless, flawless, refined and perfected over and over again. 

This could take months, years, a lifetime. This won't be easy. The mind is not easily persuaded nor entertained by the words on a page. But this is what I want. This is what I want to do. This is my goal. This is my dream.

This could take a while. 

Caged

The rough metal of the rusty shackles chaffs my wrists; I tried to adjust my arms to a more comfortable position to reduce the irritation. The rats scurried beneath my feet; I stopped giving them notice a long time ago. I've been in here for far too long.

The key. It grows warmer by the minute as I clutch it in my hands. I have the key. I have the power to end my suffering, to break free of these shackles. But I remain in this cage. I can't move, I can't grow, I can't progress. Yet, I am still here.

Why? Why am I here? What kind of person rots away behind bars when the answer lies before him? I can be free of my chains, free of this bondage, free of these limitations and actually live life.

But who knows what lies in wait for me, outside of these cold metal bars that I have grown to accustomed to? Outside of the four corners of my cell that have become ingrained in my soul? What sort of dangers and challenges await me, lying in dark shadows, waiting to tear me limb from limb when I least expect it? At least in my cage, I am safe, I am fed, I am familiar. Out there, who knows?

I look down at my hands and my feet; I see the scars, I see the imperfections, the shortcomings. I doubt myself because I know myself, I know my sins, I know my fears and failures. I see my flaws and limitations as I compare myself to others. I can't see the end of road. I don't know. I don't know what happens next. I'm not ready to step up to the plate. I'd rather be safe in my cage than brave the dangers of the unknown outside of the bars.

So I wear these chains.

"Fear does not stop death. It stops life."