are you sure this is the right house?
the masked and cloaked figures beside me nodded vigorously. this is it, this is the big one.
i could almost see the prize on the other side of the door, i could almost taste it.
the mark had been made, the ambush set.
now we wait.
is it supposed to take this long?
the front door flies open and we leap into action,
shrieking the magic words in unison:
trick or treat!
our merry band of costumed children zigzagged across the neighborhood,
doing the very thing our dear mothers always warned us to never do:
approach unfamiliar houses, knock on the door, and face the stranger behind each one
for one reason only:
to collect and consume as much sugar as possible.
it was worth diving through the scary graveyard decorations on the front lawn,
all for that pot or pail of edible gold on the other side, the promised land.
all consequences are hereby canceled until further notice--no rules, no regrets.
all shoved away into that imaginary back room we like to call tomorrow.
tomorrow can wait.
it always does.
but sugar and sweets is only half the fun,
because for one night only, we receive the best goodie of them all:
the temporary gift of a new identity
bestowed upon every soul who sets out to discover the El Dorado of candy caches.
you can be whoever or whatever you want--
isn't that the best part of being a kid?
the possibilities are literally endless, limited only by the boundaries of your own imagination.
the makeup, the costumes, the masks--they grow more elaborate every year.
painted faces and fake blood, homemade props and duct-taped cosplay;
miniature superheroes and beloved tv characters roam the streets to save us from
space pirates and walking tacos and oversized hot dogs,
from ghosts and ghouls out to claim souls and collect sweets.
the freedom to be who you please is such a treasure to be cherished--
but maybe we were too young or too busy chasing lollipops to realize it.
the chance to trade the prison of your own life for whatever makes your imagination
take flight, even for a few precious hours is its own superpower.
we can all be heroes, at least for tonight.
i downed the last bite of my third jumbo snickers of the night.
not about to admit that the third time is not the charm.
definitely doesn't taste as good as the first one.
my feet hurt, this plastic scratches my face; the cold whips right through my clothes.
thought this costume was thick enough to keep me warm, but ive been wrong before.
my stomach growls. reach into my orange pail of prizes
to find only melted chocolate and stale candy corn.
does anybody actually eat this impostor trying to pass as something yummy?
yet i find myself trying to force it down every year,
as if passing time will magically make the bitterness disappear.
time usually does the opposite.
my younger self used to dream of a sugar-tarian diet;
the next best thing to christmas every day.
but be careful what you wish for,
because it's all fun and games until you wake up with your stomach in knots
when last night's prizes eat away at your teeth
when you're in need of real food, but only surrounded by the delicacies of yesterday.
last night's high, today's low.
full of sweets and bitter as can be,
head spinning, wishing i hadn't been so greedy.
my most recent regret and my first hangover.
it won't be the last.
but maybe one night isn't enough.
maybe i need to be superman more than just once a year,
maybe i need to trade in my face on other days too,
on days when i can't face the mirror no matter how hard i try,
on days when i finally gather the guts to square up to my reflection,
he's nowhere to be found.
im starting to outgrow this, this hodgepodge of garments and faces thrown together
to fit whatever role i need to play today,
or whoever i need to be to get that door to open.
the growing amount of patchwork is starting to spread around the elbows and the knees like a rash.
i should probably just start dressing as a quilt. it'd be alot easier than this.
the possibilities that used to be endless--they now seem a lot less.
christmas every day isn't working out so well.
at this point, my mask is just a mask for another mask.
the eyeholes are crooked and in the wrong spots, the strap is too tight,
and it feels like im wearing layers of sweatshirts on a steamy summer day.
i can't breathe.
every day is just like the one before--different mask, same story.
the paint is starting to peel, the "T" has almost fallen completely off.
the pain likes to stick around though.
the pain of an empty, bottomless stomach that isn't content no matter how much i eat,
the pain of seeing the door crack open just enough for some faceless figure to toss me
empty candy wrappers if im lucky--
or sugar-coated heartbreak that'll rot a lot more than just my teeth if im not.
look, it's not even about the candy anymore--
chocolate melts and candy corn will always, always be terrible.
my stomach can't take it.
now i just cling to the faint hope that there's something more behind that door--
more than rehearsed greetings and fake teeth
and hollow pumpkins with smiles almost as empty as mine.
that someone will leave the light on for me,
that maybe ill have a bench to lie on, or some stairs to sleep under.
that maybe ill make it out of the cold tonight.
i thought i'd eventually find a spot in that front lawn graveyard across the street
sleeping with the skeletons and forever roaming with the ghouls
but it turns out im more hospital than cemetery.
don't need a coroner yet, just a hot meal maybe.
so no more masks, no more disguises; no more sugar, no more bullsh*t.
on a night when everybody wants to be someone else,
ill just be me. no more, no less.
just faint smiles and real blood.
and please, dont go easy on me. be real.
its the only way to begin to heal these wounds.
are you sure this is the right house?
honestly, im not sure of anything anymore.
if i showed up on your doorstep dressed as myself,
would you open up?
