its clawing at my face again
but i can barely tell anymore
not sure if thats good or bad
the fact that you can see every rough day and bad week ive had
through the dirty tear stains on my glasses
is not attractive
i don the plastic fabric again and again
waiting for some sort of magic to happen
but thats not how it works
it barely covers the scars
i should know better, this always hurts
but pain can be numbed
and because im really dumb
i abuse it
using because im losing it--
losing it because im using it
but i gotta have it, i cant face you without it
im an addict--but im masking it
there's supposed to be a purpose for all this pain
but the hurt and the dirt lurks so close to the surface
i cant contain it anymore
its about to break the skin, burst through my shirt
rearing its ugly head screaming "dumb stupid WORTHLESS"
so forgive me if im a little uncertain
if the doubts start to resurface
someone please convince me
that there's some sort of lesson or gain
on the other side of the pouring rain
that the sun still exists on the outside of this hurricane
the chip on my shoulder is growing and morphing
into a boulder i can barely carry
im walking funny from the weight
its noticeable now--thats the part thats really scary
when i said i was fine
i wasn't lying
i was trying to prove myself wrong
i was trying to will myself to be strong
but that didn't last very long
i guess i was kinda right about being wrong
itll work out in the end
dont feed your doubts
i wish it was that simple
i wish i could just bleed it out
i wish i could benchpress this weight off my chest
and finally be able to rest without forever being paranoid
about which part of me is slowly dying no matter how hard i try
to keep moving forward, to just keep going--
but no matter what i do or what i plan
i do what i can but it feels like its out of my hands
maybe one day itll count for something
but right now everything amounts to nothing
its mad tempting to just stop trying sometimes
its easier to just keep crying at night
its easier to let tears fall like fruits overripe
than to try to fight all the feelings that keep me wheeling and dealing with god
just to keep a straight face
to remember that i do have a place here somewhere
its easier to turtle up and hide from fate
to smother it all, to stay lost in the fog
to just forget it all
maybe this is just words on a screen
maybe this is as real as it seems
if i mean it in the moment
but when the sun shines again i disown it
is that a bad thing?
maybe its the doubts speaking
or my demons screaming
maybe the real me is down there somewhere
barely breathing
ears ringing
somehow clinging to the smallest shred of the one thing that holds any meaning
maybe im just daydreaming
and one day ill snap out of it
or maybe this is who i am and what ive become
im not proud of it
but if these feelings are real i cant just leave them be
to keep them crowded in the back of my mind is a dangerous game
if they win ill lose me
just let me rhyme its my disguise
everything i hold inside will be my demise
you'd be surprised at the things that pass through my mind
maybe the light was always there but now im blind
i know this isnt it
but i cant see outside of this
and even though i have ink on my arm to remind me otherwise
admit there was at least one night in your life when
you didn't know if you would see another sunrise
so restless
still feelin helpless
i know harming/killing myself is not the answer and maybe a bit selfish--
i wont get there i swear
ive stopped pulling out my hair
its a start
deep down in the bottom of my heart
i know this ugly weather wont last forever
i know even though it feels like ill never pull myself together
if/when i finally make it through this shit ill better for it
ill do better than this
maybe one day itll be fuel for some quality art
i dont know
but for now
i must quiet myself the only way i know how:
let it go or let it out
as you can see and read i chose the latter
because sometimes no matter what you do
some things wont ever let go of you
maybe i need to re-repent of my sins
maybe i need to think things through again
but before anything else, before i decide what to do next
i really just needed to get this off my chest
